17w0d

I realized today I have not written in here for such a long time!  Really it's just because my doctor's appointments have slowed down to every 4 weeks and ultrasounds have REALLY slowed down, so there is not much to report, which I guess is great news!

I went yesterday for my 16 week check-up at the doctor.  I have been SO worried about baby every day not having as many ultrasounds that something may be wrong.  I used to think that if something went wrong, I would know about it, but I have heard more and more, especially later into the pregnancy, that if something goes wrong, sometimes you don't know, baby will just stop growing.  Well, that is all I needed to make me start worrying all of the time!  I am still not showing much, just a tiny baby bump.  I see it on myself, but I still don't think anyone else would say "oh, she's pregnant", they would just think I have a pooch (which trust me, I do even when not preggers).  So that makes me worried because my sister in law who is just as far along as me is showing much more.  It is her second child which I hear you show so much earlier, but it still gives me something else to worry about that something is awry.  So yesterday at the appointment I tried to hint at how worried I'd be and how an ultrasound would make me feel better.  Instead they told me they were going to listen to the baby's heartbeat with a tiny wand on my belly, like a mini-ultrasound wand which should give me all the reassurance I need.  The baby was there, pretty low down, heartbeat was 147.  I was so relieved to hear it, especially since it took a minute to find it, she kept picking up my heartbeat, but still not as good as seeing baby wiggling away on the monitor.  I asked Brian if possibly that 147 was my heartbeat since I'm sure my heart was pounding waiting for her to find the baby, he just laughed and told me if my heartbeat was 147 I'd be dead.  Nice, honey :)  Then they felt my stomach to do a "rough" measurement of how large my uterus was.  She said it was showing a little big, which wasn't a bad thing at this stage in pregnancy.  That also worried me that maybe I had too much amniotic fluid, but I guess that only happens later in pregnancy.  SO bottom line is, baby is doing well, so they say, and I should relax, but I have come to realize I am going to just be a nervous wreck through this whole pregnancy.  I think I will really enjoy once I can start feeling baby move, but I can see myself already getting worried if I don't feel it often enough, the worrying never ends :) 

I find out the baby's sex on January 23 along with a thorough ultrasound.  I'm very excited to see baby on the ultrasound, of course, and they said we could bring a blank DVD and they would record it, which will be neat.  I'm also ready to find out what sex the baby is, mostly because I hate calling baby an "it", ready to say "he" or "she" and start picking a name.  I'm also excited to start showing more, which my doctor says usually happens between 20-24 weeks. 

I have found I'm very intolerant to sad stories on the news.  I get too emotional and start crying, so usually I change the channel before they get into them.  Seems lots of people are getting shot lately, leaving behind children, etc.  You start to realize what a scary place the world is when you're getting ready to bring another life into it.

I have a work trip to Indianapolis the week before my ultrasound.  I'm ready for that trip to be over.  I'm a little more nervous traveling being pregnant that something could go wrong and I'd be all alone, and I'm not a fan of flying either.  It's only for 3 days, 2 night, so hopefully it will go fast. 

Next time I write hopefully I'll be able to give great news from the 20 week ultrasound check!!

12w5d

I had my NT ultrasound today at Obstetrix.  It was so great to see baby - even though it had only been 2.5 weeks since my last ultrasound I was getting so antsy to see baby.  Baby has gotten so big!  It was really great to have a regular abdominal ultrasound instead of a vaginal ultrasound.  Baby was sleeping at first so the tech kept moving around and waiting, after 10 minutes or so baby started rubbing its face with its hands, it is so darling to see it acting like a baby in there!  We counted 5 fingers on one hand, so that is promising :)  The tech showed us the nuchal bone which is the nose bone which I guess is not always present in Down's Syndrome.  The tech also measured the fluid on the back of baby's neck - a number above 30 would indicate a higher risk, 10-30 is normal.  Baby's number was 18-20, which was perfect.  They took blood from me and will run that to finish their "triple screen" for genetic abnormalities and from there can give me a number likelihood of baby having either trisomy 21, 18, or 13.  For example, 1 in 5000 would be a good number.  Those will be back in a week, so anxiously awaiting those results, though things look promising, so I'm feeling a lot more relieved. 

In other news, I was taken off of my last progesterone on Wednesday after my number shot up from 16-38.  Today I went to CCRM for testing one last time and it was 28.  I missed the call since I was at my ultrasound, but the nurse said that number was fine and I was okay to stay off of everything and be graduated from CCRM!  Wahoo!  It worries me a little with how much my progesterone has yo-yo'd, but having a number in the upper 20's makes me feel better that if it drops more it will still be okay?  At least that's what I'm telling myself! 

So now if all goes well I have to wait 8 weeks for my next ultrasound which will be my big 20 week ultrasound at Obstetrix where they can check baby from head to toe including the sex of the baby.  So excited for that but 8 weeks seems like a lifetime away!  I told Brian already depending on how I'm doing, I might call my regular OB in a few weeks and see if they will do an ultrasound for me.  I have not had to wait more than 2.5 weeks between ultrasounds and this last week was hard for me because I was so anxious about this appointment. 

Best news though is that baby looks great, and I am so excited on Wednesday to officially be graduated from first trimester and hopefully feel better and rock and roll with this second trimester :)  Bring on the BUMP!

Frustrating Hormones!

Today I am 11w5d preggers!  I had blood work this morning to try to wean off my last estrogen patch.  My estrogen came back great, so I was able to go off of the last patch, BUT my progesterone keeps dipping, so I have to go back on one progesterone insert once a day for a week or so to try to get that number back elevated.  Ugh...stupid hormones.  For awhile my estrogen kept dipping and then rising and then dipping, now my progesterone is being a pain.  They said if it doesn't elevate I will have to go back on two a day and so on.  I am ready to get off of this stuff!  Just when I thought I'd get the good news today to be free and clear of hormones....

So enough whining, I know.  The good news is I'm at the best clinic in the world and they're monitoring me so closely.  I've heard stories of girls who are just told to go off of their hormones at 7 weeks or whatever, never to be rechecked or anything.  That is crazy. 

I'm to be rechecked on Friday, so we'll see what they say I guess!  Here's hoping my progesterone skyrockets!

10w2d

Gosh, for the girl who used to be petrified of needles I sure have come a long way!  Yesterday I went to my OB for a follow up ultrasound to make sure baby's growth was not falling farther behind.  Baby measured at a lot of different measurements but one of them was right on track, so I feel good about that.  Baby was wiggling up a storm, it really was the most beautiful thing to see.  It wasn't facing us so it didn't look as much like a baby as it did last week, but it has grown to 3cm and heartbeat was 176.  I never get tired of getting ultrasounds and seeing baby!  I also had my INR (sp?) blood levels rechecked because the first levels showed my Lovenox wasn't thinning my blood enough, so depending on how these results come back I may have to increase the dosage possibly up to twice a day, ech.  Here's hoping they come back okay!  The nurse used a really thick needle to draw the blood, I have gotten so spoiled with CCRM using butterfly needles which don't even hurt that this one quite hurt a lot! 

This morning I went back to CCRM to get my hormones checked.  My estrogen dipped a decent amount from 1400 to 900, but progesterone didn't change at all.  The nurse wasn't too concerned.  She told me to wait another week and go down to one patch every other day, one estrace, and quit the progesterone.  Their goal is to get me off my end of first trimester.  I don't know why my body is being a pain.  A lot of other girls on my forum I'm on end up being off of all their meds by 10 weeks, so hopefully everything is okay.

So now my big obsession continues to be waiting for my NT ultrasound at Obstetrix.  Normally women my age have a very low risk of birth defects and I would have no reason to worry.  HOWEVER, I have been through a lot to get this baby and I worry so much about something being wrong.  I really think once that test comes back all clear (positive thoughts) that I will really be able to relax and enjoy the rest of my pregnancy.  The test is 11/28 so two weeks from Monday...

9w5d

Almost 10 weeks along!  Every week when I get to Wednesday I know I am another week along in this pregnancy and it is so exciting to reach every milestone!  3 more weeks until I'm out of this first trimester!

Last Tuesday I had my first ultrasound and appointment with my OB, Dr. Gipson.  We had the ultrasound first and it was so amazing to me how much more the baby is looking like a baby now!  My 7w ultraound it still looked like a blob to me, I couldn't see a face, body, arms or legs.  Now, it has all of those things, and I swear I could even see the face, which looked just like me (pregnancy hormones, go with it!)  Baby was measuring 3 days behind in growth, which worried me because my last one at CCRM I was only 1 day behind, so I don't want to be falling farther behind.  I brought it up to my OB and she said it could be the difference in the ultraound equipment or the sonographer or anything, but she told me to come back the following week for a follow up ultrasound for my peace of mind.  Of course I didn't say no!  I am getting spoiled seeing my baby almost every week!  So I go back on Thursday afternoon for a recheck.  Of course I get so nervous every time I get an ultrasound, but I am feeling pretty good and feeling like every week I am pregnant I am one week closer to being out of the "danger zone" of the first trimester as well as one week closer to meeting my baby!

November 28 we will have our NT scan at the high risk clinic.  This is an ultrasound that is run where they measure a fold on the baby's neck and can give you a risk for having a down syndrome or other retardation from that one test.  Along with that, they take a bunch of bloodwork and they run a "triple screen".  With the bloodwork and the ultrasound info together they give you odds that your child has one of these conditions.  Given our age no one is too worried, but I am very nervous and it will be a big weight off of my shoulders to get past that test with flying colors.  Also, that test is done between 12-13 weeks, so essentially once that is done I will be done with first trimester : ) My OB could do these same tests, but I have to go meet with the high risk practice about my Lovenox and have them involved in the care as well, so they are going to do this at the same time.  It makes me feel good to know I am going to the best place to check out baby.  My OB said her ultrasound machine is a Toyota, and Obstetrix (high risk practice) has a Hummer, hahah. 

I'm still very nauseous all the time.  I dry heave almost every morning and have thrown up a few times if a smell or something sets me off.  For example, yesterday I was giving the dogs a bone and I got a smell of the bones and threw up, just like that.  Ech...another reason I'm very ready to be done with this first trimester.

In fun news, I went maternity clothes shopping with my mom yesterday.  I am not really showing yet and don't need them yet, but I am very bloated and very few of my pants fit me anymore, so I decided to jump on the train early and get more use out of the clothes.  I mostly got pants, dress pants and jeans, with a few basic tops.  I will get the rest of the tops as I get bigger.  I am loving sitting here at work with dress pants with a huge elastic waste, makes me feel like I'm in sweats, heck yes!

7w5d

I had another ultrasound last Friday since the growth was a little behind on baby on the first ultrasound.  Baby looked almost LESS like a baby than it did a week ago, but had grown a lot (now 1cm long) and heartbeat was 146.  They showed us the flickering heart for a few seconds, it was very cool to see it fluttering away!  My little baby...I can't wait to hear the heartbeat next. 

On Thursday I have an appointment with a nurse practioner at CCRM to check me over and make sure things are going well.  No ultrasound that time, but I guess it's good to make sure that I'm okay in addition to baby :)  Then blood work on Friday to continue to monitor my hormone levels.  Hopefully if Friday's levels are good they will start to taper my hormones which will take about another 3 or 4 weeks to get off of.  I am very excited to be off of all those hormones, but you begin to wonder if your body is capable of sustaining the pregnancy without them. 

Next Tuesday then I have my first official appointment with my OB, Dr. Gipson.  I will have an ultrasound at that appointment, and then all of my care, with the exception of my weekly blood work at CCRM until I'm all the way off of my hormones, will be done with my OB.  I'm so excited to get past this first trimester hump and feel more like a normal pregnant woman.  5 more weeks to go!

I continue to be very nauseous.  If I can find something tasty that I can eat enough of I do feel much better, but mostly my appetite is pathetic and Brian always ends up finishing my meals (he said he will probably gain as much as me over the next 9 months!) 

All for now, dinner tonight with some friends, hoping I am able to eat something and enjoy myself! 

6w2d ultrasound

We had our first ultrasound this morning.  Baby was in there, it looked like a grain of rice in a big black bubble!  Heartbeat was 109, they wanted it above 100.  Growth showed baby at 5w6d and 6w0d in the two measurements they did which is 2 or 3 days behind schedule.  They want to do another ultrasound next Friday at 7w2d to make sure baby isn't falling farther behind.  It makes me nervous because on the forum I'm on the girls have all measured right on schedule or a day ahead.  My nurse wasn't there today so I was talking to a different nurse I've never met.  The ultrasound tech was also someone I've never met, so I think all of those things combined make me feel uneasy.  The tech did say that she thinks I came about 3 days too early (even though this is when Annie told me to come) and that sometimes when the baby is this tiny it is hard to get an accurate reading.  Everyone tells me to be happy and that probably everything is fine, but I guess I will probably feel really uneasy the entire first trimester - it just seems so precarious, like it could be ripped away from me at any minute. 

After the appointment we had another appointment at an OB that two of Brian's coworkers had recommended.  The OB was in Mexico doing free surgeries for a few days down there which she does every year at this time, so I met with her NP.  It is a solo practice which I'm not sure I love, but they are right across the hall from Obstetrix, who is the group my sister used and is a great high risk practice that they said they would share my care with them.  All of my Lovenox care would be through Obstetrix as well as a heart screening later in pregnancy due to my sister's baby having tetralogy of fallot.  I was going to try to go to Obstetrix as my primary OB, but I haven't heard back if I qualify for their practice and they only deliver at PSL downtown, and we really want to deliver at Sky Ridge, so this practice may be the answer I was wanting. 

Anyway, big day, and happy to still be in the game!  The OB gave us some samples of diapers and formula in my welcome package and it is so surreal to think about those things.  This still doesn't seem real most days!

A Scare

Well I have had quite a scare the past few days.  Sunday I was going to the Broncos game with Brian, I had cramping in the morning, but I didn't think too much of it since I have been cramping this whole time.  The cramping was a little worse than usual, for example, I wanted to take Advil for the pain but knew I could not.  I still thought I'd go to the game and ignore it, nothing I could do about it!  At halftime I went to the bathroom and saw brown spotting on my pantyliner which I've been wearing for the past several weeks because my progesterone suppositories.  It freaked me out.  When I wiped I had bright red blood.  I went back to the game but could not get into the excitement, even though they had just put Tebow in as quarterback and I am a big fan (was even wearing his jersey)!  I told Brian who tried to calm me down but he was very nervous himself.  About an hour later I went back to the bathroom and still was having bright red spotting.  I was so upset that I was losing the baby.  We went home after the game and I just lost it.  I called the 24 hour on call nurse who said there was nothing they could do to see what was wrong until my ultrasound Friday because the baby won't have a visible heartbeat until then, so doing an ultrasound now wouldn't do any good.  She seemed more concerned that I had cramping with it.  By this point it was back to being dark brown spotting, but I was still having cramping and was a mess.  She advised me to stay home from work the next day and keep my feet up to get the bleeding under control.  I emailed my boss and ended up telling him I was pregnant, even though I didn't want to tell him yet, so he would be more understanding.  I had just taken FTO last Friday and had this coming Friday scheduled off for the ultrasound, and with all of this FTO surrounding all my IVF the past few months, I was worried he would start wondering about me, so I came clean.  It actually felt good to get that weight off my shoulders.  He was fine and told me to rest up and not to worry about missing work. 

The bleeding appears to be under control finally.  All day yesterday I would just have a little bit of spottiness when I went to the bathroom and that was it.  Today a little left over, but no new blood.  I know that spotting can be quite common in pregnancy, but having the cramping with it makes it certainly more alarming.  I still have had cramping the past two days, but more at the level I was having before, but now, of course I'm a LOT more paranoid.  Friday seems very far away.  I cannot bear to think about losing this baby.  The good news?? is that I had bad heartburn all day yesterday and have been really nauseous all day today.  I am trying to tell myself that little baby is trying to make itself known and tell me "it's okay mommy, I'm here and I'm fine."  I really hope that is the case.  I will feel worlds better if we get good results on Friday.  I'm back at work today and trying to focus on my job, but this is very all consuming right now in my life.  I'm exhausted and just want to go lay on my couch or in my bed and watch tv and nap!  I joined a forum for other girls who went through IVF at CCRM and got pregnant and that has been comforting to have others in the same boat as me, though many are further along in their pregnancies.  Many of them had spotting and went on to have healthy pregnancies, but it sure does feel dooming to go through that.  On top of all of that I am trying to find an OB to go to when I get released from CCRM in a few weeks.  My old OB moved to Cleveland, so I have a call out to a few that friends have recommended, but just added stress right now not to know where we'll end up and also hoping this isn't all for naught come Friday.  Please keep praying for baby.  Our little fighter we need to fight more now than ever!

This is Surreal

I have not written in here in two weeks and I think it is because I did not want to jinx myself.  Saying the words outloud still sounds so foreign...I'm pregnant...what a delightfully foreign concept!  I honestly feel like I'm just saying that and pretending to be pregnant, it can't possibly be true?! 

My beta was scheduled for last Wednesday 9/28.  Sunday night Bri and I did a test at home because we were beside ourselves wondering.  I was going to secretly do one the next day, but when Brian suggested it, I was shocked.  Is this the same guy who gave me grief for two years testing early saying that it couldn't possibly show up that early?!  So I jumped on the bandwagon and took a cheap test at 9pm.  We thought we saw the faintest line, but it was hard to tell for sure.  These tests were sent to me by my brother's sister-in-law and are rated really high for accuracy and early results, but the viewing isn't as obvious as most.  They bleed a little and the positive lines are usually going to be lighter than the test line even when super pregnant.  So, it gave us a glimmer of hope.  The next day on my way to work I stopped and got two different brands, one digital and one regular.  I went in the bathroom at work and took the regular one and immediately got two lines!  I just stared at it in disbelief for a few minutes.  I have dreamed for so long of seeing two lines so I kept blinking wondering if I was seeing things!  Later that night I took the digital one with Brian and got a Pregnant.  We were so elated.  We went to tell our parents right away (they knew the blood test was Wednesday, so we wanted to surprise them a little bit)!  Wednesday I had my first beta (tests HCG in my blood) and that came back at 104, anything above 50 is pregnant!  Friday I had my second beta, to make sure the numbers were 66% higher or preferably double.  My number was 227!  What a relief.  I'm pregnant....still sounds weird! 

Two weeks from my second beta on 10/14 is my first ultrasound to see the baby's heartbeat and make sure baby is snuggled in where it should be and is doing well.  I am going to be pretty beside myself these next two weeks (well let's be honest, probably the entire pregnancy - at least the first trimester) but am trying to remain positive.  Unfortunately I've read a lot of blogs where they go for the first u/s and see the baby has miscarried and not shown any symptoms.  Hoping that's unusual, but this whole IVF stuff sure makes you feel like an eggshell! 

In the meantime, Brian and I are enjoying the wonderful bubble of happiness we are in right now.  My sister gave me all of her pregnancy books, so I am already partway through with What to Expect When You're Expecting and I'm loving every minute of it.  Lots to learn - I focused so long on getting pregnant that I didn't know what to do when I was pregnant.  Who knew I couldn't have things like fish & chips (cod has too much mercury), hot dogs, lunch meat, soft cheeses (goat cheese is my favorite), etc.  I'm so so happy to have these issues now, but it still doesn't feel real.  I feel great aside from being more tired at night (Brian makes fun of me for getting in bed at 8:30), slightly less hungry, and a sore chest.  I know you don't need nausea to be pregnant, but I am waiting (and secretly hoping) for nausea to help prove to myself there's something in there.

I had Big City Burrito for lunch - those of you who know me know it is my favorite food on earth.  It would appear baby does not love Big City as much as me.  It did not taste as good as normal and I couldn't even finish it.  Disappointing, baby, disappointing :)

Thank you all so much for your countless prayers and support these past few months.  Please continue to pray for baby to continue to prosper and grow inside me.  It's going to be an exciting 9 months :)

Anxiously waiting?!

I am now 5 days past transfer.  Amazingly up until now I have felt really calm and at peace.  A few times a day a dark thought will creep into my mind about if this doesn't work and I try to quickly push it out of my thoughts.  I am so darn attached to this baby already.  I look at the picture of the embryo a few times a day and I find myself talking to the baby and rubbing my belly, it's kind of crazy :)  Last night it was cute because Brian pulled out his phone and showed me the pic of the embryo and zoomed in really close to it and we both just sat there and stared at it.  It made me happy because I think he's just as in love with it as I am.  I really don't know what I'll do if this fails. 

I have been having stomach aches the past few days and some pains that come and go very quickly, almost cramp-like.  This morning when I was getting ready for work I thought I was going to throw up a few times.  I can see symptoms in myself all day long, but I keep reminding myself that every single month I think I have every symptom in the book and I have to be pregnant, then only to learn that I'm not, so I am trying not to get too excited about these symptoms.  I must be the only person who's excited for morning sickness, excited for the incredible ways my body will change - how odd that must seem, but I am so ready it makes me sick to think about it not coming true.  I'm excited for the weekend, but also dreading a lot of extra time to think about everything, I need to try to stay busy this weekend!  I think we are going to do a at home test Monday night with one of the tests Kara sent me for good luck (she got preggers when using these tests, so maybe they're magical!)  I don't go in for my blood test at CCRM until Wednesday, so I guess there's a chance it could be too early to show up, but a lot of people on discussion boards that I read have seen positives by that date.  Prayers, lots of prayers....

And the wait begins....

I am very pleased to say that the transfer on Monday went really well.  I had to be at CCRM at 10:30am.  I had bloodwork done, then was sent upstairs.  I was given my valium, changed into my gown, then the acupuncturist came in and did a treatment on me.  The valium must have helped because the time went quickly and I didn't get as restless during the acupuncture as I normally do.  After that we had to wait about 45 minutes for the transfer.  They did a quick ultrasound to make sure my bladder was full, then brought in the Dr.  They kicked everyone out except Bri (both of our mother's were there).  They got me all prepped, then the embryologist wheeled in the embryo in an incubator-type device.  The projected the embryo up on the screen and let me lift me head up and crane around to see it.  It had thawed 100%, and after the assisted hatching it was already starting to hatch.  It was the most beautiful thing I've ever seen.  They very quickly made me lay back down, but Brian was able to take a picture with his cell phone so we would have it.  I will try to post on the blog, but we'll see how good I do at that :)  Then they brought the embryo over, inserted it through some kind of catheter type device and it was done - probably took all of 5 minutes!  Afer the procedure they had me lay perfectly still for 15 minutes, then they came in and offered a bedpan.  I was very full so they thought I should try and I just couldn't get myself to go in it - it was too weird!  So they removed that, send the acupuncturist back in for another round of treatment.  I had to lay for an hour, then I was able to get up, use the bathroom, and be wheeled out of the car.  I had to lay the front seat way back for the ride home, then right up to bed not to move for the next day and a half except to use the bathroom.  The second day my mom came over and spent the day with me, getting me food and drinks, taking care of the dogs and watching tv and movies with me.  It was a nice day, but I was so uncomfortable at laying for two days that I was ready for it to be over. 

This morning I resumed my normal activities with the exception of a few things including lifting anything over 10 pounds.  Brian determined my purse was over ten pounds - hahaha, probably true, so he got me my purse that goes over my shoulder and only had me take out the essentials for the next week.  Wallet, meds, keys, etc.  I also am carrying my laptop by itself rather than in its carrier case to help make that lighter.  It's very odd to me that the doctors have you go from complete bedrest to your nomal life overnight.  Seems to me there should be a transitional day of not bedrest, but not work.  Maybe go downstairs, move around more, but this way seems pretty fast.  It's amazing how they make you feel like such an eggshell through this process.  It's like any twinge or anything makes you freak out and they almost make you feel like any movement could jarr the little one loose as it's trying to implant, which is kind of crazy.  Regular women get pregnant all the time and their babies aren't jarred loose, but I guess when you've put this kind of money and effort into it, let's not take any chances! 

Pregnancy test will be next Wednesday, September 28, just one week away.  I have a feeling it's going to be a very long week....prayers for the little one!

24 hours to go!

Before any of you think I had a mental breakdown last night (and I almost did), I continued to do research and found that CCRM does have a 98% success rate of embryo's thawing.  I don't know if other clinics have the same rate or if CCRM's could possibly be that much higher, but it gave me some slight peace of mind.  2% still sounds really high to me, but the odds are that baby embryo should thaw alright.  I will of course continue to think about it all day and have anxiety about it, but I won't have to be admitted into the psych ward :) 

Bri is off to work for the day, so it's me alone with my thoughts all day.  I have a lot of cleaning to do because with me being on bedrest the next two days I want the house to be clean.  I took the last Medrol last night and the last Tetracycline this morning, so I'm at least done with those.  I will continue the estrogen patches every other day, progesterone suppositories 3x/day, and the Lovenox once a day until the pregnancy test. 

Please pray for me and the little one the next 24 hours, we both need it!

T minus 2 days

Two days to go!  CCRM called today to let me know about all of the instructions for Monday.  I will arrive at 10:30am, get bloodwork done, then head upstairs for acupuncture, then valium, then the transfer will be at 12:30pm by Dr. Schoolcraft.  I am happy that he will be doing the procedure for us!  But....I am very very anxious about the embryo surviving the thaw right now.  I thought the rates were like 98% but the more research I do I see that it's really only about 70%.  Now I keep hoping that is not the rates that CCRM sees, but it is still making me very nervous.  I know there is absolutely nothing I can do about it right now, it is all in God's hands, but I pray so hard that this embryo makes it and is able to be transferred.  I just can't help thinking that I want to give it a chance inside me where I have worked for months on making sure my lining and bloodflow is great and welcoming.  To think about making it this far and not getting to put it in me is too much to bear.  My acupuncturist was telling me today that it would be better for it to arrest now than after 2 weeks inside me thinking about whether or not I'm pregnant, and I think that is probably true, but I just need to get past this first hurdle.  Everything inside me is so perfect I want a baby to get to enjoy it :)  Trying to relax this weekend, but it will be a long 36 hours...

Making a snuggly home for embie

I had my ultrasound today at CCRM to make sure that everything inside of me was on track with all of the hormones I've been taking.  My lining was at 11 and needed to be above 8, so that is great.  My bloodflow was still good, which is a relief because of how horrible it was back in May.  My E2 was 860 and needed to be above 600.  And no cysts!  So...all systems are a go!  Tonight will be my last Lupron, then tomorrow I start my progesterone suppositories 3 times a day, as well as stay on 4 estrogen patches every other day until pregnancy test.  Feeling the most positive I've felt since the bad news of only getting one embryo.  My ultrasound tech today told me they have been doing a lot of single transfers lately and getting really great results, so there is still a chance.  I just keep thinking about how it is such an early blast - what if that is the farthest it will ever grow?  I found a blog string online of girls talking about their conversations with Dr. Schoolcraft about the difference between Day 3 and Day 5 transfers and how he feels so strongly that if it doesn't make it to Day 5 in a petri dish it won't make it in your uterus.  I HAVE to believe that, but I also know that they change medium at 3 days and have to wonder if something happened to those delicate babies when they were being transferred.  And yet, no matter what the cause, I still have one - one little fighter.  Lots of prayers for that little one....

In other fertility news - I am an avid watcher of Guiliana and Bill and saw in the preview next week that they go to CCRM for their third round of IVF!  I saw the geneticist in the preview that Bri and I met with, it will be great to see her view of it and which doc she goes to.  That show has been such therapy for me to see her struggle as I've had my struggle.  It's great to see a celebrity burst open that taboo that infertility doesn't have to be hidden.  A lot of people deal with it and go through IVF and we shouldn't keep hiding it.  It's almost enough to make me want to shout it from the rooftops....almost :)  I really do think CCRM could make more money (as if they need it) if they started support groups for people who are interested to meet people at the same stage in treatment as you.  How great would that be if I could email someone else who was at the same stage to ask a question about a med, support for each others nerves, and maybe find lifelong friends.  This certainly does bring you closer to people you weren't previously close with. 

Hormones and Viruses

One week from tomorrow is the big day!  Sometimes thinking about it my heart skips a beat, I am pretty darn nervous.  I'm guessing it is going to be a long week!

I have developed a cold, which is a big bummer because I can't really take much for it.  Because of the Lovenox, I can't take anything with Advil in it, and Tylenol doesn't do much for me.  Bri was sick yesterday and we took a long nap yesterday which is really rare for both of us, so I knew I was run down.  By bedtime I was feeling pretty crappy and I woke up this morning definitely with a bug.  Thankfully today is Sunday and I didn't have to go to work.  I watched the 10th anniversary 9/11 coverage this morning, went and met my parents for some Pho for lunch, then watched a movie and football.  Now if only I can start feeling better for the next 5 days of work. 

I have also been very emotional!  The slightest thing will make me tear up.  Friday night I saw The Help with my old roommate, and I was bawling by the end of the movie.  If you are taking hormones, DO NOT watch that movie!!  I need to stick with only comedies for the next 30 days! 

The amount of support and love I have gotten through this process is pretty incredible.  A big shout out to Kara and Sommer who have been dutiful blog followers and will always email or text me to give their love and support, especially on those days they can tell I need a little boost.  Everyone has been so kind, and even though I don't wish this on anyone, it has been nice to have some really great friends and family come out of the woodwork and it has made us closer. I'm lucky to have you all in my life!

Tomorrow up to 4 patches we go!  Better take some extra kleenex with me to work!

12 Days to Go!

I was looking at a calendar today and realized how quickly the transfer is coming up.  Tomorrow I go up to two patches at a time, then Saturday 3 patches, Monday 4 patches, then I will stay on 4 patches until the transfer.  I had my bloodwork done yesterday and my Estradiol had to be above 50 and it was 84 so that was good news.  I have been having some pain on the left side of my abdomen, so I was worried I had a cyst again.  I asked my nurse on Tuesday when I was there for my bloodwork and she said since we already have the eggs, we aren't worried if I have a cyst, we just need to worry about my uterus and lining.  I'm still worried something will go wrong, but that did make me feel better.  As I was getting acupuncture today I was laying there thinking (45 minutes of not being able to move allows for a lot of thinking time) and I started thinking about the thawing process, worrying so much that the embryo won't thaw correctly.  Then I started thinking about how slow it was to get to blast - what if it's just too slow and won't continue to develop?  Finally I just took a big deep breath, said a prayer that I am giving this to God.  It's completely out of my control and all I can do is pray that this baby is meant to be mine and Brian's.  I sometimes ask Brian how he's handling this, if he gets nervous and he always has the "correct" answer.  "I try not to think about it - there's nothing I can do about it."  That makes me frustrated and feel more anxious because I feel like I'm alone in this worry.  I'm sure he thinks about it more than he lets on, but it would sure be nice for him to share that with me.  I have also been frustrated in his lack of empathy about all of the shots and hormones.  Here I am poking myself twice a day (better than 4 a day before the retrieval!),  having acupuncture twice a week with 20 needles at a time, and having hormone patches coursing through my body and he just seems so ungrateful sometimes.  All I want is for him to say "I'm so sorry you have to go through all of this.  You are amazing and will be an amazing mother.  I love you!"  Or something like that :)  See, even in my post you can probably sense the hormones coursing through me, I have become a b*tch and pray the nice me will come back soon!  In the meantime, praying for my frozen baby right now.  I miss him/her and can't wait to have it put inside me where I hope to be able to protect it for the next 9 months!

Better late than never?!?!

FINALLY got my period and finally can get back to planning and structuring my life.  Bad news is the transfer date changed (not surprising, but still disappointing.)  So I have to tell my boss that my FTO day I asked for is now changing.  He is going to think I'm a freak.  For the retrieval my date changed several times, and I haven't told him what I'm going through, so he just must think I'm a psycho flake. 

Transfer date is now set for Monday, September 19.  The other bad part of that is now I have to take two days off instead of one, so I will have to have bed rest Monday and Tuesday. 

I will officially be old on the transfer date - 28.  I am starting to feel like 30 is coming faster than a freight train, and to me if I don't have a baby by the time I'm 30 I will lose it.  I know women have babies later and later in life now, but that doesn't make me feel better.  I just need to see my future self with a baby and know that it will work out.  It's this whole unknown that is just so darn depressing.  Not knowing whether or not I will get a biological child right now has put me in a dark place, and if I could just find out that yes, I will have a biological child, it would make all of this heartache a little more bearable. 

So now countdown to the FET is on!  T minus 22 days.  Wednesday begins estrogen patches and Lovenox along with the Lupron. 

Small World

I was getting my hair done yesterday and my hair stylist told me that an old coworker of mine when I used to work at the hair salon in high school and college just went through IVF with Schoolcraft as well.  The girl is a year older than me.  When I got home I messaged her on FB and told her that Camie told me she was pregnant, then I told her a little bit about what I was going through.  It's always hard to know how open someone is willing to be about their infertility because it is still such a taboo subject in society, so I thought by telling her about me it might open the door up or she could choose not to respond.  She wrote back pretty quickly and said that she went through IVF with Dr. Schoolcraft a few months ago.  She also hyperstimulated and had to do a freeze all (hmm, pattern?)  She got 27 eggs and 5 of them made it to blast, which was upsetting to her as well.  She implant two embryos - well they both took and one of them split, so she has triplets.  Her split embryo was momo meaning they shared a sack and it was going to be very dangerous for her and the babies to continue with the pregnancy, so she did a reduction down to one.  She's now 8 weeks along with one healthy baby.  Gosh, I can't imagine being in that situation, that would be such a hard decision to make, and I really feel for her.  Anyway, it was nice to find someone going through the same crap that I am, it often feels so lonely.  I wouldn't wish this on anyone, but at the same time, it's nice to know I'm not alone, there are other people my age dealing with infertility, it's just such a quiet subject.  It makes me want to go up and shout it off the mountain tops and see how many others come out of the woodwork. 

In other news, I'm now a week late, still not pregnant, so I will follow up with CCRM tomorrow and see what's going on.  Busy week at work coming up - golf tournament for work that I'm volunteering at tomorrow; meanwhile I have a lot of deadlines at work and just not enough hours in the day.  Throw in acupuncture, unpredictable body, and it should be an eventful week. 

But I'm always punctual!

One thing my body has graced me with through all of this fertility battle is having a normal cycle.  Well as of today I am 2 days late.  All I want to do is get this in motion.  I don't want my transfer date to change, I want to PLAN, that's what I do best, and my body is having none of that.

Before you ask, yes, I took a pregnancy test, and of course it was negative.  You'd think after so many doctors telling us we won't get preggers naturally that I would stop checking, hoping, daydreaming.  But alas, the words Dr. Schoolcraft said to us stuck in my head that many couples get pregnant the month after IVF, something to do with all the meds resetting their body or something.  So I had that hope...argh.  Well the meds seem to have messed my body up even more (if that's possible.)  The amount I have spent on pregnancy tests the last two years could have bought me a nice new purse (or Louboutins!)  Hindsight is always 20-20 :) 

Needles & Relaxation?

Yesterday I started back up with my acupuncture which I will now get twice a week until the transfer to work on my uterine lining. I hadn't seen Heidi since the retrieval, so she had to be caught up on everything with the embryos. It surprised me how emotional I got talking about it even a month later. I think I try to protect myself by thinking of the worst case scenario, but really I'm so emotional thinking that it really needs to work - it has to work. So acupuncture twice a week, Lupron once a day, and I'll start my Lovenox injections in about a week when I start all of the hormones. Still a lot less needles than for the retrieval, but a lot more than I'd like :)

My parents came to visit with Heidi while I was there since they go to her for acupuncture when they need it, so they surprised me there and took me to Pappa Deaux for dinner where we met up with Bri.

One Month Til FET

One month from today should be my FET (frozen embryo transfer) if everything stays on schedule.  I went to CCRM yesterday to get my P4 levels checked (progesterone) and make sure I ovulated.  My number came back at 4.5 and it should be above 5.  My nurse left a message on my machine so I wasn't able to ask her about it, so I emailed her back after researching on Google about it.  She said that the target is 5, but she talked to Dr. Schoolcraft about it and he said that was fine and I should start my Lupron injections.  I had asked if we should wait another month for the number to raise (maybe it was off from all the shots last month, who knows!) but Annie said everything was a go and I should start the injections.  So last night began my 10 units of Lupron again.  Thankfully that's the smallest needle, but I realized how PTSD I am from the experience I thought I had already blocked from my mind, the smell of the alcohol made me sick, and the thought of doing more shots was almost too much to bear.  At the time I got into such a routine not thinking about it because what choice did I have and of course it would be worth it to get a baby or two out of the deal.  I never thought I'd have to go through it again. 

So here I am now, praying I won't have to go through THIS process again.  I will be on Lupron until I start my next period, then a few days into that cycle I will cut the Lupron dose in half, start my estrogen patches and progesterone suppositories, and start the Lovenox.  I begin acupuncture again on Friday, twice a week through the transfer.  I have started drinking caffeine again this last month, so that needs to quit as well to get that lining nice and thick before the transfer. 

The other day I realized that even though I'm super excited for the transfer, part of me is dreading it.  Dreading it because that frozen embryo right now is my hope...it may not be a huge hope, but it's the only hope I have right now of a baby, and after the transfer if God forbid it doesn't work, I've lost that hope and am left with nothing.  As long as baby embryo is frozen I have my hope of a baby. 

I started researching Conceptions again last week.  This is all very premature because God willing, we won't need them, but I am making a Plan B (not the Plan B medication, quite the opposite - hahaha.  For those of you living in a cave, Plan B medication is the morning after pill!)  My Plan B involves having a plan in place if this doesn't work.  Part of the plan is that Brian and I have a long weekend in early October that we have promised each other if things go awry, we are going to go on a long weekend somewhere fun.  The other part of Plan B for me is needing to know that we will do IVF again in a few months, beg, borrow, or steal.  Conceptions, I have found with my research, is about $5,000 cheaper than CCRM and they bill insurance first, and you just pay what insurance won't, which is also helpful.  However, their success rates just aren't as good.  The newest data out there is from 2009 (I don't know why they're so behind, it's almost 2012 people!) and in 2009 in my age group, CCRM had a 63% chance of having a live birth (bringing home a healthy baby from the hospital) and Conceptions had a 54% success rate.  9% is pretty high, but I have decided we will at least regroup with Dr. Swanson over at Conceptions who I did my IUI's with and see what his recommendation would be.  And that is my Plan B.  Sometimes my mind starts wandering to Plan C and I just can't go there, not right now! 

Random thoughts of the day

I have gotten very into reading books about IVF.  Reading about other people going through the same thing I'm going through is comforting, it makes this very lonely process feel just a little less lonely. 

I just finished a mini-book called The Baby Chase: An Adventure in Fertility by Holly Finn.  Holly is the girl who wrote that Wall Street Journal article I shared earlier in the week and she goes to Dr. Schoolcraft, or as she calls him, Doc S.  One of my favorite quotes from her book is: "IVF brings you to your knees and dares you stagger to your feet again.  It forces you, even as you steel yourself for more shots and setbacks, to remember the gentleness in you and the true reason you want to bring another human into this world."  Another good quote is "The longing for a child isn't diluted when having one becomes a struggle.  The desire stays as strong as it was.  It's you who becomes weaker, like a fish wearing itself out on the line."  Those are both really powerful and struck a chord with me.  Sometimes it's hard to put into words what you're feeling, so it's comforting when you find someone who has been able to do that. 

Last good takeaway from the book is something I've been struggling with lately: "In the end, infertility can make you feel less human.  As cultivated as we are, we hold on to deep-rooted dogma that our worth is tied to how well, and how much, we reproduce.  I've seen women and men shrink like salted slugs during IVF treatment.  The whole process makes you feel unlovable.  But don't we know that the number of children you have has no correlation to how appealing you are?"  As my pants have gotten tighter from all of the hormones, the lack of being able to exercise the past month, and whatever muscle I had has turned to lumpy fat, I try to remind myself of that.  Brian often suggests I go to the gym to walk on a treadmill to stay active - to me that is code for you have lost your appeal, please hit the gym and firm up.  I'm sure that's not what he means, he means well, but in my hormone induced state, that's how I interpret it.  Really praying for strength the next few months, and courage to keep going.  It will be worth it. 

Wall Street Journal article on Infertility

My mom found this article that mentions one woman's journey with Dr. Schoolcraft.  It is really well written so I wanted to share. 

A few things she said in the article really hit a chord with me.  When she said people are quick to say that you should adopt and how they are quick to forget that basic human need to reproduce miniature versions of themselves. I really relate to that - I am so sick of people saying that we should adopt because they know so and so, and when they went to adopt they got pregnant magically because the stress was gone.  Maybe one day we'll get there, but at this point, I can't give up on wanting to see what our biological children would look like, act like, and be like.  A few weeks ago my mom gave me some baby pictures she found of me when cleaning up the house.  I often look at those pictures and get teary because when she gave them to me she said "that's what your baby will look like!"  I pray I get to see that one day. 

Regroup with Dr. Schoolcraft

This morning was our regroup appointment with Dr. Schoolcraft to discuss what went wrong with our embryo development.  Waiting for the doctor I was very nervous and had a lot running through my mind.  I knew nothing would dramatically change, but was hoping but nervous for some clarity on what happened.  When he came in to meet with us he said that he wasn't sure what went wrong.  Everyone in the lab was confused by it as well.  They had ICSI'd 50% of our eggs and IMSI'd the other 50%, and neither group did exceptionally better than the other group.  They used two different media, and neither of those groups did better or worse either.  He said it falls under possible reasons.  Eggs poor quality either from my PCOS or from responding poorly to the stimulation drugs or sperm poor quality, even though ICSI & ISMI should have only been picking the best quality sperm for the job.  He said most embryos can last until Day 3, so between Day 3 and Day 5 is commonly where you see things go south if they're going to.  He said he is very surprised we don't have 5 or 6 based on what he saw, and he believes if we have to do this again in the future we should hit closer to that mark.  If we go through this again, he will change up the stimulation protocol to an antagonist protocol (I think that's what he said - it's where you use a different drug than Lupron for the suppression).  He said the hyperstimulating wouldn't have made the egg quality poor, but my body maybe didn't respond as well to this formula of stimulation - creating too many eggs, but of poorer quality.  He said the general public with PCOS will only get about 33% good embryos from a cycle where a non-PCOS person might get 50%, but that still should have left us with 10 embryos!  There were a few times I had to bite my tongue to say to him "you're the best in the world and you can't tell me what is wrong with us?!"  He seems to get the most difficult cases pregnant, and yet us who should have been a slam dunk was not...

He did say partway through the regroup that we were focusing too much on next cycle, when he feels good about this embryo that we have frozen.  I asked him what our odds were and he said he would give us 40-45% chance of success.  That sure sounds bad after our initial 70% chance of success had we had two good embryos to put in, but he said this embryo is pretty miraculous to survive what no other embryo in the bunch could.  I am praying for some peace in my mind and in Brian's mind and some positive attitude adjustments for us.  This could very well be our baby and we can't give up hope yet.

After we met with him, we met with our nurse and set up our frozen embryo transfer (FET) schedule.  Our FET will be on Friday, September 16, a day after my birthday.  In a few weeks I will go in for some hormone level checks, if all checks out, I will start Lupron injections again, then once I get my next period I will start the estrogen patches and progesterone suppositories to get my lining nice and thick for the embryo to stick to.  8 weeks and counting...

The light at the end of the tunnel just got a lot further away

I think those things that don’t even cross our minds as possibilities but then happen are the things that devastate us the worst.  I was prepared to be disappointed if the embryos didn’t stick once implanted, but this was something that had never even crossed my mind and I think that’s why it hit me so hard.

I’ve been googling it this morning to see if other people have had this problem and I found a few threads where this happened and in both cases the woman had similar medical issues to me and B.  It’s so bizarre.  I think it just dredges up those fears of what if we can’t have natural children.  Why am I even here if I can't have children?  That's what I've wanted my whole life. 

I talked to my sister last night, and she said that whatever it was that stopped those other embies from developing, that ONE embie survived and kept dividing, and that makes it a fighter.  All I can do is pray that she is right and that is our baby.

We have a regroup appointment with Dr. Schoolcraft Monday morning, so it will be really good to get his perspective on what went wrong.  I think I'm at the anger phase of grief because I'm so angry that everyone was so confident that it would be such a success for us.  We were told by every doctor, nurse, geneticist, embryologist, that we should only ever have to go through that once, and we would have enough embryos to create our entire family.  I'm angry that we paid a LOT of money to go to the best place in the country, and wondering if they did something along the way to impede this?  I just have a lot of anger this morning, a lot of sadness, and a lot of questions.  It's going to be a long day! 

Day 6

The ideal embryo for implanting is what they call a blastocyst "blast". This usually happens on Day 5. Because I'm doing a frozen transfer, the embryologist said they let them go until Day 6 to allow as many as they can to reach the blast stage because some are slower to develop. On Day 3 last I got an update, we had 15 embryos make it to that stage that looked good. I was expecting about 10 to make it to blast. I hadn't gotten a call all day, so I called and left a message this afternoon. I finally heard back at 4:30pm right as I was getting ready to leave work. Only 1 embryo had made it the blast stage, and just barely. I am completely shell shocked. The embryologist said this is very rare that you would have so many at day 3 and only 1 "early blast" at day 5. It's so early that they can't even grade it. The embryologist said that there is still a good rate of success with these blasts. Earlier today I was thinking about how in love I was with each and every one of my embryos and we might end up with 10 kids to give them each a chance at life! Now I get to pray for 1. 1 is all it takes, I know, but the rate of success for 1 is only 50%, and I'm not even sure they'd give us those odds with it being an early blast. I need to schedule a follow up with Dr. Schoolcraft, but right now I'm just searching for answers, and there are none. My nurse suggested that Dr S might advise us to do another egg retrieval to try to give us more to freeze. That is not good for many reasons 1) another million dollars, which we don't have 2) the physical and emotional toll of shots, hormone injections, surgery, etc all for this to potentially happen again. I just really really pray this one embryo is our baby and will give us a healthy baby. I just feel like I've been hit by a truck right now and wishing for answers which will have to wait, or we may never know.

Day 1

Egg retrieval was yesterday. It went really well. We arrived at CCRM at 8am and came up to the 2nd floor. Our nurse came out and brought us back to the pre-op room where we went through everything and she started my IV. I met Dr. Gustofson who seemed very nice, but I'm happy to have Dr. Schoolcraft as my primary RE. Dr. G did the surgery, so I can't say anything bad about him, just didn't have the same bedside manner as Dr. S. They gave me some "happy juice" which gives you amnesia and I immediately felt really drunk. They said people either get really quiet with it or really chatty. Apparently I was the latter. I remember being wheeled back to the OR and them telling me to scoot down on the bed and putting my legs in padded stirrups. I asked the anesthesiologist how long until the anesthesia knocks me out and he said about 20 seconds. I then told them how blind I was without my glasses when they took them off and asked the nurse what her prescription was and that's all I remember. Next thing I woke up in post-op. The anesthesiologist came over and told me I was really talkative and it took about 3x as much anesthesia to get me out as they thought it would!! That is surprising because I don't take strong pain killers or anything - the strongest I've ever taken is Tylenol with codeine, so I would think I'd go right out!

I was hungry when I woke up so they got me out of bed into a recliner and I got sprite and club crackers. I was having some pain on my left side, which wasn't surprising considering that side had about 3x as many eggs in it. The nurse brought me a heating pad which seemed to help. Embryology came up and told me they pulled out 31 eggs from me - holy cow. I had been guessing about 23. Good news and I was ready to go home.

When I got home I ate some soup and a cheese omelet that Brian made me. They told me to drink a lot of water and salt the next week to help prevent severe hyperstimulation. I then went up in bed to take a nap. I slept for two hours then took it easy the rest of the day. My mother in law stopped by with some flowers, which was so sweet. Ate some Chili's take out and headed to bed early.

This morning embryology called and said that of my 31 eggs, 27 were mature and were IMSE'd. Today, 20 of those had my Day 1 embryos! That is great news and gives us a lot to work with. If we assume about half of those will make it to day 5, I will have 10 embryos to choose from to implant, so that gives me great odds that some of those will be high quality embryos. It's crazy to think that our future baby/babies is in a petri dish right now dividing away.

The lab will call back on Monday with my Day 3 report. Then again on day 5/6 once they get to blast stage, and then they will freeze them. Happy thoughts :)

Egg Retrieval Today

Today is a big day, my egg retrieval day!  It's currently 5:45am and I'm already awake.  I slept better than I thought I would, made it until 5:30am then I was awake and no going back to sleep.  I'm excited, but very nervous.  Everything runs through my head - nervous about being put under anesthesia, worried I might have already ovulated in which case they will have to cancel the procedure, worried I'll be in a lot of pain, etc.  I think a big weight will be lifted off of my shoulders once I'm home and this is done. 

Yesterday we met with the geneticist.  Since we now have to freeze the eggs for 8 weeks, we thought that it might be worth doing the genetic testing (CCS) on the embryos to make sure they're healthy.  We originally weren't going to do that because it requires a 4 week turn around time, so you are forced to freeze the eggs, and obviously our goal was for a fresh transfer.  We got a meeting at 2:30 yesterday to find out our options.  It sure sounds great.  She said "typical" for us would be 20 eggs retrieved, 12 fertilized, 8 make it to blast (day 5) and of those 8 probably 6 will be healthy, 2 would be genetically incorrect.  That's scary to think of having two embryos that we could implant and possibly miscarry or have down syndrome, or some other genetic disorder.  However, she said women 10 years older than me would be lucky to have one good embryo, so that helps put things in perspective a little bit.  I was on the fence about it until she said price - an extra $4500 - yikes.  When you're already paying the price of a new BMW for this procedure, an extra $5K really stings.  We decided to pass, and prayers for healthy embryos!

I was really nauseous all day yesterday.  Threw up first thing in the morning, then again at 9am at work.  I ended up leaving work at 10am because I kept thinking I was going to throw up and having to run way down the hall to the bathroom (could be cubicle be any further away from the bathroom!) was not going well.  A few times I didn't think I'd make it.  Plus it's embarrassing if anyone would come in and hear your throwing up.  So I headed home and camped out in bed the rest of the day (aside from our appointment with the geneticist).  Still this morning not feeling 100%, but so far no throwing up today, and just hoping I stay healthy so the retrieval goes smoother.

The anesthesiologist called last night to check in with me about surgery today.  Turns out Brian knows him from PACU, so hopefully that will be good for me today and I'll get some good care.  

Here goes nothing...

Trying to keep my chin up

My retrieval is set for Friday!  I'm ready to get these eggies out of me!  I went in this morning for my ultrasound and blood work.  I still had 23 follicles, size 17-20.  The place was pretty quiet this morning and yet I still waited 15 minutes to be seen by the ultrasound tech and then another 15 minutes to talk to my nurse.  By the time I got my blood work done it had been 45 minutes and I was supposed to be at work.  I left there frazzled it had taken so long and the street I take to the highway was closed for construction.  So I had to wind back and go the long way to work, all the side streets.  I ended up being over 20 minutes late.  Thankfully no one seemed to notice, but I was pretty stressed already at that point.  My nurse told me they had noticed some fluid in my lining today so she was expecting to most likely do the freeze all.  I was expecting that news but hoping for the best.

My new boss took me and my team out to lunch to celebrate me being on the team.  We went to Tavern and so that was a good distraction for the day.  About 3pm Annie called and told me I was cleared for retrieval on Friday, but not only had my progesterone risen from 1.4 to 1.7, but my E2 had spiked showing that I had OHSS (ovarian hyperstimulation syndrome) so I was a definite freeze all.  She said anytime you have more than 20 follicles there's a high priority you'll get OHSS, so she wasn't surprised.  I asked her if I could do the FET the following month and she said it's an 8 week process, so it will be 8 weeks until my FET.  For some reason that additional month just really put me over the edge.  I tried to call B a few times but he didn't answer (he was mowing the lawn), so I called my mom from our training room at work and started crying.  I know in my heart of hearts this is for the best, but the thought of waiting two more months for the possibility of getting pregnant was just so depressing.  Brian finally called back and tried to calm me down too.  Sometimes it's hard for me because I think all he cares about is the number of embryos, not about the anguish I'm going through.  He doesn't seem fazed by waiting 8 more weeks.  I guess this isn't his body that's been going through hell the past month with hormone shots every day, blood thinners, pills and steroids.

Tomorrow more blood work before work, then we're meeting with a genetics counselor at 2:30 to discuss doing CCS (genetic testing) on the embryos since have to freeze them anyway (when you choose CCS it's mandatory to freeze them to be tested).  The nurse said she didn't think we'd been good candidates because we're so young so the chance of poor embryos is a lot lower, but for peace of mind it may be worth it.

For now, I believe off to bed!

Some disappointing news

This has been a pretty crazy week and it's only Tuesday!  Today would have been my original retrieval date had everything gone picture perfect.  I'm okay with the fact that it didn't go as planned, it's just hard for me sometimes because I like to be a control freak and plan my life, and IVF is very much out of my control.  My ultrasound this morning showed that I still had 23 follicles between 15-19 in size.  They want the majority about 18 in size, so I am getting close, but it will most likely be a Friday retrieval, which means telling my boss for a third time that things have changed without explaining what it's for - awkward! 

I had run out of Menopur, my morning shot, yesterday.  I called to order more and didn't think it would be a big deal because in the past orders have arrived by 10am, so that would just put me taking it a few hours late.  Well 1pm today came and went and the shots still hadn't arrived.  I called my nurse and she was in the process of hunting some down at a local pharmacy downtown when B called on the other line and said the shots arrived - just in the nick of time!!  B ran it over to me at work and I ran down to do the injection in his car.  Of course Menopur is a special injection that requires 4 viles, 2 liquid and 2 powder that I had to mix in the front seat of his car - I must have looked like a drug addict to people walking by!

A few hours later, my nurse called back when I was in a meeting about my protocol for tonight and tomorrow.  I guess one of my hormone levels is too high and if it doesn't fall below 1, they will have to do a freeze all which will result in a FET (frozen embryo transfer) the following month.  I was told not to take any of my stims tonight or tomorrow morning and just to take the Lupron, Lovenox, and Dexamethasone and hope the numbers drop.  I am trying so hard to be positive and pray that if I need to wait a month to get a healthy baby out of this, that is what needs to happen, but I often want it all and want it now, and patient I am not (also, per above, not good at things outside of my control).  So we'll find out more tomorrow, but asking for prayers for a healthy child (or two) first attempt even if that means waiting a month. 

Tonight B is making BBQ chicken pizza and I plan to relax on the couch and try to relax.  Note to self - starting a new job week of egg retrieval is probably not the best idea! 

Almost time for IVF

My infertility battle started about a year and a half ago.  My sister had just had a baby and it sparked the desire for hubby and I to start TTC.  It was just before Christmas when my co-worker sent me a link to a website to check when I would ovulate.  At the time it seemed so clinical and took the fun out of things, but I filled it out anyway.  It showed my fertile days being right over Christmas, and it even showed which days I would be more likely to have a girl or a boy.  It seemed so easy.  Well Christmas came and went, as did 6 more months of TTC when I decided it might be time to go to my OB and see what the problem was.  I was referred to Dr. Swanson at Conceptions for further tests.  I met with Dr. Swanson and I really liked him as well as the Conceptions staff.  He said IUI would give us a great chance of conceiving based on what they knew of our infertility battle (looking back, it amazes me how little we still knew, but I will get to that later).  First two IUI's were unsuccessful, the second of which caused a large cyst from the Clomid.  I had to take a month off, which seemed so upsetting at the time - I wanted a baby and wanted one now.  After a month off, we kept going with two more attempts at IUI with Femara.  My body handled the Femara much better than the Clomid.  I got one less follicle (2 instead of 3), but I ovulated both months on my own, and my lining stayed thicker on Femara.  Regardless of the "perfect" situation, we had now had 4 unsuccessful IUI's.  Hubs and I reconvened with Dr. Swanson who said the dreaded words - IVF.  B didn't handle it as well as me and it took him several days to even be able to talk about that as the possibility.  In his eyes, we were healthy 27 year olds and there wasn't anything "wrong enough" with us to warrant such drastic measures as IVF.  When he finally got more on board, we decided that we should at least get a second opinion for IVF.  We are fortunate enough to live in south Denver near some of the best fertility clinics in the world.  We decided to go consult with Dr. Schoolcraft at CCRM.  He has patients fly in from all over the world to see him, so it seemed silly to live 5 miles away and not at least hear what he would have to say about our case.  We got an appointment 6 weeks later (he's a busy man after all!) 

At our consult with Dr. Schoolcraft I was very nervous - it felt like we were meeting a movie star or celebrity with how famous he was.  He looked at our paper from Conceptions and immediately noticed a few things that were worth a closer look.  We decided to come back for the one day workup at CCRM a week later to spend a day learning all about IVF and getting more tests done.  Some we had already done at Conceptions, which is frustrating, but it seemed worth a try.  Our one day workup was a great day.  They ran a ton of tests and took a lot of blood, but the best part was meeting our IVF nurse, Annie, and meeting with Dr. Schoolcraft.  He seemed to think with the additional information that we would be great candidates for IVF, but it made sense now why our IUI's had failed, which somehow gave me peace of mind.  Next it was time to start the meds...because of a blood clotting disorder that I have, I would have to take Lovenox in addition to the other fertility meds.

I have never been a fan of needles.  When I found out I would have to be giving myself shots I had a freak out moment.  Annie thought we should start Lupron end of June, when I would be traveling in Indianapolis for work.  Not only did I have to give myself a shot, but I had to figure out how to pack it on ice, travel with it, store it in my hotel room, and give myself a shot every night...yikes!  I'm happy to say the Lupron shot is the best of all of the shots that you take - the needle is about half as big making it much less scary than some of the others.  After the first shot, I was elated - I could do this.

I started my stim drugs last Saturday (8 days ago).  My protocol was to take one menopur in the morning, 75 Gonal F, Lupron, and Lovenox at night.  The day after the menopur I was exhausted.  I took a 3 hour nap, and I am not a napper.  That night I woke up in the middle of the night feeling nauseous, sweaty, shaky, and upset stomach.  I spent a good portion of the night on the cool bathroom floor because it was close to the toilet in case I got sick and the cool tile felt so good on my clammy body.  I was so nervous because I was starting a new job a few days later and didn't want to feel sick starting this new job.  Thankfully, I have done very well since, and after talking with my nurse she said it is common to feel sick from those first doses.

I just found out today that my tentative retrieval date I was first given (7/12) is going to be pushed at least 2 days out because my follicles aren't big enough yet.  This unfortunately creates a bit of a hiccup in the process because I have to figure out a way to explain to my new boss why my surgery date is changing (he doesn't know what it's for).  B also starts a new job the following week and may not be able to come to the transfer, which is also a bummer. 

I feel like I just typed my life's story in a few pages, phew!