12 Days to Go!

I was looking at a calendar today and realized how quickly the transfer is coming up.  Tomorrow I go up to two patches at a time, then Saturday 3 patches, Monday 4 patches, then I will stay on 4 patches until the transfer.  I had my bloodwork done yesterday and my Estradiol had to be above 50 and it was 84 so that was good news.  I have been having some pain on the left side of my abdomen, so I was worried I had a cyst again.  I asked my nurse on Tuesday when I was there for my bloodwork and she said since we already have the eggs, we aren't worried if I have a cyst, we just need to worry about my uterus and lining.  I'm still worried something will go wrong, but that did make me feel better.  As I was getting acupuncture today I was laying there thinking (45 minutes of not being able to move allows for a lot of thinking time) and I started thinking about the thawing process, worrying so much that the embryo won't thaw correctly.  Then I started thinking about how slow it was to get to blast - what if it's just too slow and won't continue to develop?  Finally I just took a big deep breath, said a prayer that I am giving this to God.  It's completely out of my control and all I can do is pray that this baby is meant to be mine and Brian's.  I sometimes ask Brian how he's handling this, if he gets nervous and he always has the "correct" answer.  "I try not to think about it - there's nothing I can do about it."  That makes me frustrated and feel more anxious because I feel like I'm alone in this worry.  I'm sure he thinks about it more than he lets on, but it would sure be nice for him to share that with me.  I have also been frustrated in his lack of empathy about all of the shots and hormones.  Here I am poking myself twice a day (better than 4 a day before the retrieval!),  having acupuncture twice a week with 20 needles at a time, and having hormone patches coursing through my body and he just seems so ungrateful sometimes.  All I want is for him to say "I'm so sorry you have to go through all of this.  You are amazing and will be an amazing mother.  I love you!"  Or something like that :)  See, even in my post you can probably sense the hormones coursing through me, I have become a b*tch and pray the nice me will come back soon!  In the meantime, praying for my frozen baby right now.  I miss him/her and can't wait to have it put inside me where I hope to be able to protect it for the next 9 months!