Anxiously waiting?!

I am now 5 days past transfer.  Amazingly up until now I have felt really calm and at peace.  A few times a day a dark thought will creep into my mind about if this doesn't work and I try to quickly push it out of my thoughts.  I am so darn attached to this baby already.  I look at the picture of the embryo a few times a day and I find myself talking to the baby and rubbing my belly, it's kind of crazy :)  Last night it was cute because Brian pulled out his phone and showed me the pic of the embryo and zoomed in really close to it and we both just sat there and stared at it.  It made me happy because I think he's just as in love with it as I am.  I really don't know what I'll do if this fails. 

I have been having stomach aches the past few days and some pains that come and go very quickly, almost cramp-like.  This morning when I was getting ready for work I thought I was going to throw up a few times.  I can see symptoms in myself all day long, but I keep reminding myself that every single month I think I have every symptom in the book and I have to be pregnant, then only to learn that I'm not, so I am trying not to get too excited about these symptoms.  I must be the only person who's excited for morning sickness, excited for the incredible ways my body will change - how odd that must seem, but I am so ready it makes me sick to think about it not coming true.  I'm excited for the weekend, but also dreading a lot of extra time to think about everything, I need to try to stay busy this weekend!  I think we are going to do a at home test Monday night with one of the tests Kara sent me for good luck (she got preggers when using these tests, so maybe they're magical!)  I don't go in for my blood test at CCRM until Wednesday, so I guess there's a chance it could be too early to show up, but a lot of people on discussion boards that I read have seen positives by that date.  Prayers, lots of prayers....

And the wait begins....

I am very pleased to say that the transfer on Monday went really well.  I had to be at CCRM at 10:30am.  I had bloodwork done, then was sent upstairs.  I was given my valium, changed into my gown, then the acupuncturist came in and did a treatment on me.  The valium must have helped because the time went quickly and I didn't get as restless during the acupuncture as I normally do.  After that we had to wait about 45 minutes for the transfer.  They did a quick ultrasound to make sure my bladder was full, then brought in the Dr.  They kicked everyone out except Bri (both of our mother's were there).  They got me all prepped, then the embryologist wheeled in the embryo in an incubator-type device.  The projected the embryo up on the screen and let me lift me head up and crane around to see it.  It had thawed 100%, and after the assisted hatching it was already starting to hatch.  It was the most beautiful thing I've ever seen.  They very quickly made me lay back down, but Brian was able to take a picture with his cell phone so we would have it.  I will try to post on the blog, but we'll see how good I do at that :)  Then they brought the embryo over, inserted it through some kind of catheter type device and it was done - probably took all of 5 minutes!  Afer the procedure they had me lay perfectly still for 15 minutes, then they came in and offered a bedpan.  I was very full so they thought I should try and I just couldn't get myself to go in it - it was too weird!  So they removed that, send the acupuncturist back in for another round of treatment.  I had to lay for an hour, then I was able to get up, use the bathroom, and be wheeled out of the car.  I had to lay the front seat way back for the ride home, then right up to bed not to move for the next day and a half except to use the bathroom.  The second day my mom came over and spent the day with me, getting me food and drinks, taking care of the dogs and watching tv and movies with me.  It was a nice day, but I was so uncomfortable at laying for two days that I was ready for it to be over. 

This morning I resumed my normal activities with the exception of a few things including lifting anything over 10 pounds.  Brian determined my purse was over ten pounds - hahaha, probably true, so he got me my purse that goes over my shoulder and only had me take out the essentials for the next week.  Wallet, meds, keys, etc.  I also am carrying my laptop by itself rather than in its carrier case to help make that lighter.  It's very odd to me that the doctors have you go from complete bedrest to your nomal life overnight.  Seems to me there should be a transitional day of not bedrest, but not work.  Maybe go downstairs, move around more, but this way seems pretty fast.  It's amazing how they make you feel like such an eggshell through this process.  It's like any twinge or anything makes you freak out and they almost make you feel like any movement could jarr the little one loose as it's trying to implant, which is kind of crazy.  Regular women get pregnant all the time and their babies aren't jarred loose, but I guess when you've put this kind of money and effort into it, let's not take any chances! 

Pregnancy test will be next Wednesday, September 28, just one week away.  I have a feeling it's going to be a very long week....prayers for the little one!

24 hours to go!

Before any of you think I had a mental breakdown last night (and I almost did), I continued to do research and found that CCRM does have a 98% success rate of embryo's thawing.  I don't know if other clinics have the same rate or if CCRM's could possibly be that much higher, but it gave me some slight peace of mind.  2% still sounds really high to me, but the odds are that baby embryo should thaw alright.  I will of course continue to think about it all day and have anxiety about it, but I won't have to be admitted into the psych ward :) 

Bri is off to work for the day, so it's me alone with my thoughts all day.  I have a lot of cleaning to do because with me being on bedrest the next two days I want the house to be clean.  I took the last Medrol last night and the last Tetracycline this morning, so I'm at least done with those.  I will continue the estrogen patches every other day, progesterone suppositories 3x/day, and the Lovenox once a day until the pregnancy test. 

Please pray for me and the little one the next 24 hours, we both need it!

T minus 2 days

Two days to go!  CCRM called today to let me know about all of the instructions for Monday.  I will arrive at 10:30am, get bloodwork done, then head upstairs for acupuncture, then valium, then the transfer will be at 12:30pm by Dr. Schoolcraft.  I am happy that he will be doing the procedure for us!  But....I am very very anxious about the embryo surviving the thaw right now.  I thought the rates were like 98% but the more research I do I see that it's really only about 70%.  Now I keep hoping that is not the rates that CCRM sees, but it is still making me very nervous.  I know there is absolutely nothing I can do about it right now, it is all in God's hands, but I pray so hard that this embryo makes it and is able to be transferred.  I just can't help thinking that I want to give it a chance inside me where I have worked for months on making sure my lining and bloodflow is great and welcoming.  To think about making it this far and not getting to put it in me is too much to bear.  My acupuncturist was telling me today that it would be better for it to arrest now than after 2 weeks inside me thinking about whether or not I'm pregnant, and I think that is probably true, but I just need to get past this first hurdle.  Everything inside me is so perfect I want a baby to get to enjoy it :)  Trying to relax this weekend, but it will be a long 36 hours...

Making a snuggly home for embie

I had my ultrasound today at CCRM to make sure that everything inside of me was on track with all of the hormones I've been taking.  My lining was at 11 and needed to be above 8, so that is great.  My bloodflow was still good, which is a relief because of how horrible it was back in May.  My E2 was 860 and needed to be above 600.  And no cysts!  So...all systems are a go!  Tonight will be my last Lupron, then tomorrow I start my progesterone suppositories 3 times a day, as well as stay on 4 estrogen patches every other day until pregnancy test.  Feeling the most positive I've felt since the bad news of only getting one embryo.  My ultrasound tech today told me they have been doing a lot of single transfers lately and getting really great results, so there is still a chance.  I just keep thinking about how it is such an early blast - what if that is the farthest it will ever grow?  I found a blog string online of girls talking about their conversations with Dr. Schoolcraft about the difference between Day 3 and Day 5 transfers and how he feels so strongly that if it doesn't make it to Day 5 in a petri dish it won't make it in your uterus.  I HAVE to believe that, but I also know that they change medium at 3 days and have to wonder if something happened to those delicate babies when they were being transferred.  And yet, no matter what the cause, I still have one - one little fighter.  Lots of prayers for that little one....

In other fertility news - I am an avid watcher of Guiliana and Bill and saw in the preview next week that they go to CCRM for their third round of IVF!  I saw the geneticist in the preview that Bri and I met with, it will be great to see her view of it and which doc she goes to.  That show has been such therapy for me to see her struggle as I've had my struggle.  It's great to see a celebrity burst open that taboo that infertility doesn't have to be hidden.  A lot of people deal with it and go through IVF and we shouldn't keep hiding it.  It's almost enough to make me want to shout it from the rooftops....almost :)  I really do think CCRM could make more money (as if they need it) if they started support groups for people who are interested to meet people at the same stage in treatment as you.  How great would that be if I could email someone else who was at the same stage to ask a question about a med, support for each others nerves, and maybe find lifelong friends.  This certainly does bring you closer to people you weren't previously close with. 

Hormones and Viruses

One week from tomorrow is the big day!  Sometimes thinking about it my heart skips a beat, I am pretty darn nervous.  I'm guessing it is going to be a long week!

I have developed a cold, which is a big bummer because I can't really take much for it.  Because of the Lovenox, I can't take anything with Advil in it, and Tylenol doesn't do much for me.  Bri was sick yesterday and we took a long nap yesterday which is really rare for both of us, so I knew I was run down.  By bedtime I was feeling pretty crappy and I woke up this morning definitely with a bug.  Thankfully today is Sunday and I didn't have to go to work.  I watched the 10th anniversary 9/11 coverage this morning, went and met my parents for some Pho for lunch, then watched a movie and football.  Now if only I can start feeling better for the next 5 days of work. 

I have also been very emotional!  The slightest thing will make me tear up.  Friday night I saw The Help with my old roommate, and I was bawling by the end of the movie.  If you are taking hormones, DO NOT watch that movie!!  I need to stick with only comedies for the next 30 days! 

The amount of support and love I have gotten through this process is pretty incredible.  A big shout out to Kara and Sommer who have been dutiful blog followers and will always email or text me to give their love and support, especially on those days they can tell I need a little boost.  Everyone has been so kind, and even though I don't wish this on anyone, it has been nice to have some really great friends and family come out of the woodwork and it has made us closer. I'm lucky to have you all in my life!

Tomorrow up to 4 patches we go!  Better take some extra kleenex with me to work!

12 Days to Go!

I was looking at a calendar today and realized how quickly the transfer is coming up.  Tomorrow I go up to two patches at a time, then Saturday 3 patches, Monday 4 patches, then I will stay on 4 patches until the transfer.  I had my bloodwork done yesterday and my Estradiol had to be above 50 and it was 84 so that was good news.  I have been having some pain on the left side of my abdomen, so I was worried I had a cyst again.  I asked my nurse on Tuesday when I was there for my bloodwork and she said since we already have the eggs, we aren't worried if I have a cyst, we just need to worry about my uterus and lining.  I'm still worried something will go wrong, but that did make me feel better.  As I was getting acupuncture today I was laying there thinking (45 minutes of not being able to move allows for a lot of thinking time) and I started thinking about the thawing process, worrying so much that the embryo won't thaw correctly.  Then I started thinking about how slow it was to get to blast - what if it's just too slow and won't continue to develop?  Finally I just took a big deep breath, said a prayer that I am giving this to God.  It's completely out of my control and all I can do is pray that this baby is meant to be mine and Brian's.  I sometimes ask Brian how he's handling this, if he gets nervous and he always has the "correct" answer.  "I try not to think about it - there's nothing I can do about it."  That makes me frustrated and feel more anxious because I feel like I'm alone in this worry.  I'm sure he thinks about it more than he lets on, but it would sure be nice for him to share that with me.  I have also been frustrated in his lack of empathy about all of the shots and hormones.  Here I am poking myself twice a day (better than 4 a day before the retrieval!),  having acupuncture twice a week with 20 needles at a time, and having hormone patches coursing through my body and he just seems so ungrateful sometimes.  All I want is for him to say "I'm so sorry you have to go through all of this.  You are amazing and will be an amazing mother.  I love you!"  Or something like that :)  See, even in my post you can probably sense the hormones coursing through me, I have become a b*tch and pray the nice me will come back soon!  In the meantime, praying for my frozen baby right now.  I miss him/her and can't wait to have it put inside me where I hope to be able to protect it for the next 9 months!