Holy cow, it is almost September and my baby is almost 15 months old! I have so much catching up to do on here and so many wonderful things that Jacob is doing now, and I will try to go into details and stories soon.
Jacob turned 1 year old on June 1. The day was tough for me because I had just found out the day before that I had a miscarriage. I wasn't even supposed to be able to get pregnant and suddenly a week before his birthday I took an old expired pregnancy test on a whim and sure enough two strong double lines. It was not something that was planned but very much wanted. To find out the baby wasn't going to stick was very hard to hear. All the years of trying so hard to get pregnant before Jacob and then to find out I may possibly be able to get pregnant and then have that ripped away was very sad. The only thing it did was give me hope. Hope that I might be able to get pregnant after all, and maybe this one loss was just a fluke. I tried so hard to enjoy Jacob's day. I made a homemade cake and had fun decorations I had purchased online. He had a great time, went wild on his cake and had fun opening presents. I need to find where the pics I took went so I can upload some.
Two months later (two weeks ago) I found out I was pregnant again. What the heck?! I am suddenly Fertile Myrtle. I was so scared to get excited since the last one ended badly. This one ended the same way. The second hcg didn't double as it should, but it still increased. We did a third hcg and that one only increased a tiny amount. We knew it was another miscarriage. Two in three months. To say that this has been hard on me in an understatement. That's kind of why I needed to write to get some feelings out. My mother had a miscarriage before she got pregnant with Doug, so she understands and has been very supportive, calling me to see how I'm doing, taking me to lunch, etc. The rest of the family I guess doesn't understand having never been through it and I know they have lives of their own and problems of their own. I'm coming to terms with that, but I have been very withdrawn lately. I guess in my mind I envisioned a different level of support. Many of them I haven't seen in months and we haven't talked much either. I am so blessed to have a fabulous IVF support group. We've all become very very close, even though the relationships mostly exist online, I've now met many of them through travels and girls who lived locally. They have all been through miscarriages plus infertility and know just what to say - I really don't think I could have gotten through this without them. I think this is extra tough for me because it's the realization that I probably cannot have a healthy baby naturally. So I have to decide to prevent any more pregnancies so I don't have to keep going through miscarriages or keep trying and hoping one will stick. The odds aren't great. My OB tells me to do IVF again (HA - if she wants to fork over the cash, I'm all for it). I am so so lucky that I have Jacob already and that his embryo decided to stick and that he's so healthy. I have been crying every night putting him to bed singing "you are my sunshine" because he is SUCH a blessing, and if he's the only child that I get, I will still be eternally grateful to God for giving him to me. I will hope that he will be a less than typical guy who will call his mother often and stay in-state for college and marry a wonderful girl that I can spoil like my daughter :)
A more uplifting post coming soon, I promise :)
