Random thoughts of the day

I have gotten very into reading books about IVF.  Reading about other people going through the same thing I'm going through is comforting, it makes this very lonely process feel just a little less lonely. 

I just finished a mini-book called The Baby Chase: An Adventure in Fertility by Holly Finn.  Holly is the girl who wrote that Wall Street Journal article I shared earlier in the week and she goes to Dr. Schoolcraft, or as she calls him, Doc S.  One of my favorite quotes from her book is: "IVF brings you to your knees and dares you stagger to your feet again.  It forces you, even as you steel yourself for more shots and setbacks, to remember the gentleness in you and the true reason you want to bring another human into this world."  Another good quote is "The longing for a child isn't diluted when having one becomes a struggle.  The desire stays as strong as it was.  It's you who becomes weaker, like a fish wearing itself out on the line."  Those are both really powerful and struck a chord with me.  Sometimes it's hard to put into words what you're feeling, so it's comforting when you find someone who has been able to do that. 

Last good takeaway from the book is something I've been struggling with lately: "In the end, infertility can make you feel less human.  As cultivated as we are, we hold on to deep-rooted dogma that our worth is tied to how well, and how much, we reproduce.  I've seen women and men shrink like salted slugs during IVF treatment.  The whole process makes you feel unlovable.  But don't we know that the number of children you have has no correlation to how appealing you are?"  As my pants have gotten tighter from all of the hormones, the lack of being able to exercise the past month, and whatever muscle I had has turned to lumpy fat, I try to remind myself of that.  Brian often suggests I go to the gym to walk on a treadmill to stay active - to me that is code for you have lost your appeal, please hit the gym and firm up.  I'm sure that's not what he means, he means well, but in my hormone induced state, that's how I interpret it.  Really praying for strength the next few months, and courage to keep going.  It will be worth it.